are existential problems or just first world complaints?

There's nothing simple about our existence.

I won't claim my feelings as minor complaints, as the title asks.

I feel so crazy right now. Tomorrow I may feel sane again. I never know for sure how I'll feel. It's probably these stimulants that make me have bouts of worry from time to time. Any who, I wish I could be Dostoevsky for a day. I'm a novice to his ideas, but after spending this semester talking about him, I feel that he recognized this complexity so well.

Maybe we're products of what we read, watch, and take in. .... we feel in such a way based on what we construct from our surroundings: we're surrounded by so many conflicting issues, that we automatically become confused in a complex way. This can go on till we die.

Any who. ....that's just a brief idea. I'll probably elaborate on it one day. Back to my craziness. Even though this semester was nowhere near as stressful as I anticipated, I still feel so strange and weighted. I desire so much, but am so grateful for what I currently have. I desire to not attend this ceremony. I continuously downplay my achievement as not being an achievement. I say it's pointless. That I could care less who attends, but deep inside I feel moved and lucky that people genuinely want to be there and want to support me.

I feel so alone in making these future decisions, but depend so much on knowing that others believe in me and that they doubt the doubts I have for myself. It is soo important that they see something in me that I don't, because I know that if they did not believe in me I could not believe in myself.

I'm scared. I feel like all my life I've been so average. Let myself be that way. Now I wonder if it's even in me to be otherwise. I want to transcend that. I have dreams, and I know I cannot allow myself to ignore them. I must be what I dream, not merely walk behind it and see if it'll automatically come into being.

I know that at least that specific aspect depends on me and my will alone. I just hope other's do not fail to see the light that I haven't been able to clearly see from day to day.

Sometimes it's so hard to really believe in yourself when you think you could be destined to be another way. Maybe we just are. And that is it. But for now I refuse to believe it. I'm not average. I want to do something important for not just myself. I want to inspire others to not doubt their own dreams. Just a step at a time.