didn't get to dance with you last night, or five years ago either.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
my heart's already broke
must we always take the next step?
we have hope.
and then exactly what we feared comes true.
and we wonder why we don't think in the other direction.
good things occur and we think it is blessings, fate, 'meat to be', special.
bad things happen, but we do not feel as if they happened to save us from something undesirable, but rather that we are cursed and defect.
i expected more from you.
i don't know why.
but i did.
let down.
absolutely.
just as before.
we are all human i suppose.
we have hope.
and then exactly what we feared comes true.
and we wonder why we don't think in the other direction.
good things occur and we think it is blessings, fate, 'meat to be', special.
bad things happen, but we do not feel as if they happened to save us from something undesirable, but rather that we are cursed and defect.
i expected more from you.
i don't know why.
but i did.
let down.
absolutely.
just as before.
we are all human i suppose.
Friday, June 15, 2012
in regards to "i've come around full circle"
Apologies are nice....even if they come 5 years later. I've encountered a recent would-be, would've-been old friend/flame.
It's nice to feel re-connected even if it won't amount to much else than a closed door on the past issue.
It's nice to feel like it wasn't totally me that fucked everything up.
It's nice to feel like even though I cannot get past step one with these guys it's not because I'm not worth it.
It's nice to know that people can still apologize for something without having something to gain or an ulterior motive.
What sucks sometimes are these quick sitcom-ish things that always seem to happen to me.
They're funny.........but old.
I'd really like to see an opportunity carry through to the end.
In the meantime, things are nice.
i just don't know what's wrong with you and me....
totally in love with this song, could listen it on repeat forever.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
are existential problems or just first world complaints?
There's nothing simple about our existence.
I won't claim my feelings as minor complaints, as the title asks.
I feel so crazy right now. Tomorrow I may feel sane again. I never know for sure how I'll feel. It's probably these stimulants that make me have bouts of worry from time to time. Any who, I wish I could be Dostoevsky for a day. I'm a novice to his ideas, but after spending this semester talking about him, I feel that he recognized this complexity so well.
Maybe we're products of what we read, watch, and take in. .... we feel in such a way based on what we construct from our surroundings: we're surrounded by so many conflicting issues, that we automatically become confused in a complex way. This can go on till we die.
Any who. ....that's just a brief idea. I'll probably elaborate on it one day. Back to my craziness. Even though this semester was nowhere near as stressful as I anticipated, I still feel so strange and weighted. I desire so much, but am so grateful for what I currently have. I desire to not attend this ceremony. I continuously downplay my achievement as not being an achievement. I say it's pointless. That I could care less who attends, but deep inside I feel moved and lucky that people genuinely want to be there and want to support me.
I feel so alone in making these future decisions, but depend so much on knowing that others believe in me and that they doubt the doubts I have for myself. It is soo important that they see something in me that I don't, because I know that if they did not believe in me I could not believe in myself.
I'm scared. I feel like all my life I've been so average. Let myself be that way. Now I wonder if it's even in me to be otherwise. I want to transcend that. I have dreams, and I know I cannot allow myself to ignore them. I must be what I dream, not merely walk behind it and see if it'll automatically come into being.
I know that at least that specific aspect depends on me and my will alone. I just hope other's do not fail to see the light that I haven't been able to clearly see from day to day.
Sometimes it's so hard to really believe in yourself when you think you could be destined to be another way. Maybe we just are. And that is it. But for now I refuse to believe it. I'm not average. I want to do something important for not just myself. I want to inspire others to not doubt their own dreams. Just a step at a time.
I won't claim my feelings as minor complaints, as the title asks.
I feel so crazy right now. Tomorrow I may feel sane again. I never know for sure how I'll feel. It's probably these stimulants that make me have bouts of worry from time to time. Any who, I wish I could be Dostoevsky for a day. I'm a novice to his ideas, but after spending this semester talking about him, I feel that he recognized this complexity so well.
Maybe we're products of what we read, watch, and take in. .... we feel in such a way based on what we construct from our surroundings: we're surrounded by so many conflicting issues, that we automatically become confused in a complex way. This can go on till we die.
Any who. ....that's just a brief idea. I'll probably elaborate on it one day. Back to my craziness. Even though this semester was nowhere near as stressful as I anticipated, I still feel so strange and weighted. I desire so much, but am so grateful for what I currently have. I desire to not attend this ceremony. I continuously downplay my achievement as not being an achievement. I say it's pointless. That I could care less who attends, but deep inside I feel moved and lucky that people genuinely want to be there and want to support me.
I feel so alone in making these future decisions, but depend so much on knowing that others believe in me and that they doubt the doubts I have for myself. It is soo important that they see something in me that I don't, because I know that if they did not believe in me I could not believe in myself.
I'm scared. I feel like all my life I've been so average. Let myself be that way. Now I wonder if it's even in me to be otherwise. I want to transcend that. I have dreams, and I know I cannot allow myself to ignore them. I must be what I dream, not merely walk behind it and see if it'll automatically come into being.
I know that at least that specific aspect depends on me and my will alone. I just hope other's do not fail to see the light that I haven't been able to clearly see from day to day.
Sometimes it's so hard to really believe in yourself when you think you could be destined to be another way. Maybe we just are. And that is it. But for now I refuse to believe it. I'm not average. I want to do something important for not just myself. I want to inspire others to not doubt their own dreams. Just a step at a time.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
i've come around full circle.
Borat, chick fil a, statistics with mr bailey.
the over expressiveness........
the look, the cemetery and the full moon, beers and kisses, bohemian rhapsody, and the false promises, naivety. lust.
trips to atlanta, pressure, walks out on the dock, awkwardness, beds over recliners.
workplace lust, the real you, the real me, lust, the feeling of being untrue. to eventually me hating you.
the hippie, togas, healing,flea markets, Unitarian universalist, romantic, idealism, life event, then eventually we're nothing. associates.
trivia,21,lust. failure.
america themed birthday parties, pecan pie, what makes me happy?,the chance, the reconnect,vulnerability, honesty, impermanence.
what sense to make?
who knows.
the over expressiveness........
the look, the cemetery and the full moon, beers and kisses, bohemian rhapsody, and the false promises, naivety. lust.
trips to atlanta, pressure, walks out on the dock, awkwardness, beds over recliners.
workplace lust, the real you, the real me, lust, the feeling of being untrue. to eventually me hating you.
the hippie, togas, healing,flea markets, Unitarian universalist, romantic, idealism, life event, then eventually we're nothing. associates.
trivia,21,lust. failure.
america themed birthday parties, pecan pie, what makes me happy?,the chance, the reconnect,vulnerability, honesty, impermanence.
what sense to make?
who knows.
Friday, February 24, 2012
odd girl out
i'm still trying to really understand the concept of the eternal return
but i feel like i've got my own conception. it pertains to the same old shit i end up feeling and have felt every since i can remember. this feeling occurs less and less at time goes by, but it aches just the same. i guess i'm beginning to realize i've chased my tail long enough to slow it down a bit.
ideals are just that.
but i feel like i've got my own conception. it pertains to the same old shit i end up feeling and have felt every since i can remember. this feeling occurs less and less at time goes by, but it aches just the same. i guess i'm beginning to realize i've chased my tail long enough to slow it down a bit.
ideals are just that.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
i still think there's nothing out there.....
actually nothing out HERE. and that's still a huge understatement.
the life of a 20sumthing person these days is a simple paradox. we wanna move on from stupid things we did when we were young-er, but it's impossible when we're connected to these people not just in the physical world, but the technological as well.
of course you can always unplug, block, delete, etc. but really? we just cannot help but still know what the other person is up to, so creepy. so masochistic.
i got way from my initial topic. i'm happy here but i still end up going back home at the end of the night flashing back to random shit and thinking "man, there really just isn't any thing out here" ........and somewhere else? i really hope so.
not MY birthday, but someone else. someone i don't necessary miss, but i'm just nostalgic like that.....and this song seemed relevant
a whole year after that exciting month and even though i know otherwise, i still feel like absolutely nothing has changed........i mean i suppose it really hasn't.
the life of a 20sumthing person these days is a simple paradox. we wanna move on from stupid things we did when we were young-er, but it's impossible when we're connected to these people not just in the physical world, but the technological as well.
of course you can always unplug, block, delete, etc. but really? we just cannot help but still know what the other person is up to, so creepy. so masochistic.
i got way from my initial topic. i'm happy here but i still end up going back home at the end of the night flashing back to random shit and thinking "man, there really just isn't any thing out here" ........and somewhere else? i really hope so.
not MY birthday, but someone else. someone i don't necessary miss, but i'm just nostalgic like that.....and this song seemed relevant
a whole year after that exciting month and even though i know otherwise, i still feel like absolutely nothing has changed........i mean i suppose it really hasn't.
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