hey self defeater.....

that's you. driving over that bridge. feeling all too familiar. you don't feel quite right.....you wish you could say "unhappy". buy you were happy earlier, you were happy yesterday, you were happy last week, you'll be happy tomorrow. yes, there's things that are wrong. but that's not what's hitting you. it's that feeling again. deja vu. you've felt it every time this time of year, driving over that bridge. finishing a full day only to head home, to not much. as if all you do isn't worth anything. you know that's not true. but it's just that feeling, when you know you'll be fine later, but at that moment something is missing. it's you, you're becoming this. this defines you. a quality you don't want to have. you don't understand how it hasn't changed. you begin to think it's part of your identity. .... you cannot change it. you want so badly to bring it into being. to have your gaze across the room to have some merit. some force.

fly pelican fly

i've always been in love with pelican, but they deserve more than my love, i'll just clarify why i love them.

they meet my desire for heaviness, yet, despite how heavy or dark they sound, they always have this bright glimmer of optimism, strength, growth, and hope. never heard a boring song my them.

catching the glow

I remember when I was like 17-19 and I had 'the glow". I was just so happy with the people in my life and how things were going....give or take a few things missing. I was definitely happy. I still am, but the glow is more fleeting. More than before, I notice that I have longer periods of time where I'm glowless, and I don't know what it'd take to get it back. However, lately I've been able to catch that feeling. The one where you're just happy to be alive, even if you're not doing anything extra exciting or new. You're comfortable even if there are serious problems around you, because you know that that's just a part of the big picture.

This is good, because not too long ago I was beginning to think I had lost my ability to be that happy........you know........glowingly happy.

So now, when it think of the current conditions, I think I owe it more so to the people in my life.

I always say stuff like this, but it's def. something pretty vital to me.

Times when I don't have the glow doesn't so much mean that i'm lacking company, but that i'm lacking the right kind of company.

I think when I have the right company, my anxieties dissapear and I realize I don't have to worry that much, because in those moments others have faith in my even when I have questioned the faith in myself.

What is one to do if they are alone and begin to doubt themselves? They have no one to encourage them.

I think that is what saves me.....other people. It makes it so that I am not so dependent on them if I don't want to be. What I mean is, it gives me a light at the end of the tunnel if I do feel i've lost a glow.........if i do feel alienated. Somehow, someone can bring me back.

Sometimes I feel soo alone, but luckily I have just enough special people in my life that I feel know me and understand me, even when I don't get myself.

Even moreso, to see that someone else truly believes in you. It makes you want to never let them down, so you hold your actions to a higher standard. You aren't just living for yourself, by yourself. You know that what you do sends energies to others and that it matters what you do.

I'm happy to have my glow still, and I hope it never goes away.

trying harder to draw a line through my stream of disappearing thoughts

so one day in the future, i might ask myself why i like this and i won't know why. in the meantime, i'll just write a little something about my thoughts on it now:

Red House Painters, Medicine Bottle:

how i even found red house painters is a slight mystery to me. i think i found them in connection to another 'similar' band.

'similar'? because RHP are weird. Its like all those obscure indie style songs from the 90s; its got a lot of elements from that time for me. However, I haven't really heard anything like the RHP.

The vocalist's voice has that lazy sort of appeal, and the music is beyond chill, but i just don't really take to this guys lyrical style at all. they've got a weird thing going on. something that keeps bringing me back to them.......24, medicine bottle, chinese to english.

down colorful hill will get some future attention from me. i cannot say i like it, but i know i dont hate it. i just don't get it yet.............