oh i want to change it all.

it's been a hell of a semester. i kept saying how long it's been, but now that it's over it doesn't seem like it, ha. obviously, isn't that how it works?

really, it has been a long one. and i feel like i've got nothing but just some extra classes on my record.

looking back on my blog. my quick reflection is that i'm still detached but not anymore than anyone else. I think i'm ok as far as my emotions go.

i'm just lonely. since his departure, things went back to normal. only i had something to miss. it was a sharp transition from excitement and freshness to the mediocre, stressful, and lonliness. i had to deal with my own bad habits plus the feeling going to bed and waking up alone. not that that's new either but it definitely felt a lot worse.

ever since i've just stayed in bed a lot longer each morning, or hopped into bed earlier.

just to escape.

and thats sad. i could only really be happy in my head. and i'm still that way.

i've just felt kind of blank and lonely lately. of course there are moments where i get a spark from another. my freinds help me from time to time. i'm at least lucky enough to have some people to talk to even if it's not as often as i like.

i even met someone who took my mind off of him, but it's nothing. just hope for a replacement. even a replacement that doesn't equate even a 10th. just someone. the hope that i can pass the time. pretty sad.

but whatever. i know what i'm doing

i need something to avoid this mediocrity, yet always who i am seems to surface to warn me.....don't be like that.

just live and do the best thing.

but it's not working.

i end this semester wishing i could've broken my habit and telling myself once again that this summer i can fix it all. well i really hope i find something anything to renew the light in me. because i'm feeling exactly like i did a couple years ago where nothing was going right the only place for safety was in my head. i got a rude awakening then though.