i really love who i am, but there are things about myself that make my life difficult.
it's mostly based upon habit though, but habits are hard to break.
i have well enough reason to be motivated, yet i'm not. it's up to me to put forth that energy.
it's definitely harder with .........him gone.
it was brief, but it made an impact.
it's different than the other failed times, where there were lots of questions and wondering.
this time everything was right and clear.
it's just dealing with the loss.
the curiosity of if maybe there can ever be more.
the contrast between just last week and now.
how quietly exciting it was everytime i knew i'd be seeing him that evening.
just the feeling alone of being in his presence.
i've also noticed how things feel differently now than they did in the past.
i think i've just numbed myself to certain experiences and emotions. I realize how valuable the moments are........but i don't always feel them.
sometimes we'd talk about how we were "detached"
and it makes me wonder...... am i? and how much?
what's it like not to be detached if so?
it seems like no one's allowed to let their emotions go anymore.
i do recall how vulnerable i felt when i held his hand and told him some simple words with heavy weight.
i think thats the memory that elicits the most powerful response.
we woke up that morning after having one last play a couple hours earlier. he was wrapped around me, and the harsh alarm went off.
i guess for the past several hours i hadn't really wanted to think about him leaving, just enjoy him while he was there. just as he probably did with everything and everyone.
he got up........and i let out a soft, slightly pleading, whiny "nooo"
him, sort of ......detached....."what?"
eh, either way.....he went and got ready for the day, and i went back to sleep for a little while, not really wanting to leave the place where i had spent the past few nights. a place that had become very special and maybe symbollic.
he came back and woke me, and i got up and got ready quietly.....sadly.
small talk about things he needed to handle.
i hate burdening anyone of what they need to get done....as if i'm not worth it.
"well, i guess i won't stick around too long...." or something along those lines.
he kind of looked perplexed for a second. didn't look at me. continued.
when he was situated he asked if i wanted to get breakfast.
i asked if he had time, and he said he did.
we ate, quietly. he spoke to some of his classmates about signing out and all that.....
i managed to just hold my emotions inside.
we walked out to our cars. covered in ice.
he offered to de-ice me.
i sipped my coffee as he did so....watched him take the ice off my windows.....
secretly cherishing the features of his face.
wondering his thoughts which were always virtually unknowable.
i wonder how much of my love for him had to do with his mystery.
part of me, i'm sure, wanted my windows to stay iced over forever.
just so i could stand there with him.
i wasn't physically cold, surprisingly. one thing i always noticed while being with him was his warmth. physically and demeanor.
we'd hold hands, and my hands are always cold. but never his. never an awkward touch or embrace from him.
i think maybe over time he really had de-iced me....at least i definitely was at that moment.
anyway.
the moment of truth came.
he de-iced his car........i was over near mine.
we walked towards each other
and hugged. in that moment the emotions were welling up inside me. i never wanted to leave his embrace.
we kissed softly. said some words.
i knew what i needed to do.
i stepped back, still holding on to his hand.
looked straight into his kind face into his beautiful, clear and bright blue eyes
" i really do love you" with a small smile. "no pressure! i just would hate myself if i didn't say it" and he was quiet, but still looked calm and warm. at that moment i could feel the tears in my eyes, i didn't let them fall. but it was clear they were there.
said he really was happy he met me.
pretty much we said bye........and that was it
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