next time, i'll keep it to myself

step one:

step two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy3be2oLDK8

the bitter women

whenever i go out to a bar with certain single lady friends we always end up talking about men and how much we want relationships or to be getting laid more....within at least a semi-meaningful relationship. and then we start talking about how all the losers and douchebags in this town aren't good enough for us anyways.

do the men we dream of even exist? if so, where?

b'c i'd like something meaningful, or semi-meaningful so i can start getting my 'rocks off' more. hehe.

detached i guess.

i wish i was different.

i really love who i am, but there are things about myself that make my life difficult.

it's mostly based upon habit though, but habits are hard to break.

i have well enough reason to be motivated, yet i'm not. it's up to me to put forth that energy.

it's definitely harder with .........him gone.

it was brief, but it made an impact.

it's different than the other failed times, where there were lots of questions and wondering.

this time everything was right and clear.

it's just dealing with the loss.

the curiosity of if maybe there can ever be more.

the contrast between just last week and now.

how quietly exciting it was everytime i knew i'd be seeing him that evening.

just the feeling alone of being in his presence.

i've also noticed how things feel differently now than they did in the past.

i think i've just numbed myself to certain experiences and emotions. I realize how valuable the moments are........but i don't always feel them.

sometimes we'd talk about how we were "detached"

and it makes me wonder...... am i? and how much?

what's it like not to be detached if so?

it seems like no one's allowed to let their emotions go anymore.

i do recall how vulnerable i felt when i held his hand and told him some simple words with heavy weight.

i think thats the memory that elicits the most powerful response.

we woke up that morning after having one last play a couple hours earlier. he was wrapped around me, and the harsh alarm went off.

i guess for the past several hours i hadn't really wanted to think about him leaving, just enjoy him while he was there. just as he probably did with everything and everyone.

he got up........and i let out a soft, slightly pleading, whiny "nooo"

him, sort of ......detached....."what?"

eh, either way.....he went and got ready for the day, and i went back to sleep for a little while, not really wanting to leave the place where i had spent the past few nights. a place that had become very special and maybe symbollic.

he came back and woke me, and i got up and got ready quietly.....sadly.

small talk about things he needed to handle.

i hate burdening anyone of what they need to get done....as if i'm not worth it.

"well, i guess i won't stick around too long...." or something along those lines.

he kind of looked perplexed for a second. didn't look at me. continued.

when he was situated he asked if i wanted to get breakfast.

i asked if he had time, and he said he did.

we ate, quietly. he spoke to some of his classmates about signing out and all that.....

i managed to just hold my emotions inside.

we walked out to our cars. covered in ice.

he offered to de-ice me.

i sipped my coffee as he did so....watched him take the ice off my windows.....

secretly cherishing the features of his face.

wondering his thoughts which were always virtually unknowable.

i wonder how much of my love for him had to do with his mystery.

part of me, i'm sure, wanted my windows to stay iced over forever.

just so i could stand there with him.

i wasn't physically cold, surprisingly. one thing i always noticed while being with him was his warmth. physically and demeanor.

we'd hold hands, and my hands are always cold. but never his. never an awkward touch or embrace from him.

i think maybe over time he really had de-iced me....at least i definitely was at that moment.

anyway.

the moment of truth came.

he de-iced his car........i was over near mine.

we walked towards each other

and hugged. in that moment the emotions were welling up inside me. i never wanted to leave his embrace.

we kissed softly. said some words.

i knew what i needed to do.

i stepped back, still holding on to his hand.

looked straight into his kind face into his beautiful, clear and bright blue eyes

" i really do love you" with a small smile. "no pressure! i just would hate myself if i didn't say it" and he was quiet, but still looked calm and warm. at that moment i could feel the tears in my eyes, i didn't let them fall. but it was clear they were there.

said he really was happy he met me.

pretty much we said bye........and that was it

what's your story

i was at a party alone....well i came alone. mingled with any party goers that would give me a chance, rather than just cliquing up with the people they already knew.

i was having a decent time, after all, i wasn't home alone thinking about how shitty i had been feeling the past few weeks.

it was the 3rd Friday (or sat morning) in December. i had finished my seventh semester in school, had gotten back from visiting Jen in Atlanta the previous week.

i wasn't at my best. i had my doubts about a lot of things, mostly men and myself.......probably other things i can't remember, but have documented somewhere in brief notes.

anywho, i was fairly tipsy, it was about halfway into the party for me, and people were getting drunker by the sip. i was laughing at the party goers and my friends....but was still kind of to myself. i was eating some homemade delicious pecan pie and drinking some cheap beer. somewhere between bites and lauging at the increasing craziness surrounding me in the kitchen, i caught the gaze of a guy just a few feet in front of me looking at me.

he said to me, right through the small group of people between us : "what's your story?"

i stared at him, slightly perplexed. i probably asked him to repeat himself. i know i thought "who asks that?"

because at this time in my life, i hadn't recently met anyone that cared to know too much about me. i was beginning to grow cynical about my relations with people.

he asked me again what my story was, and came next to me.

i remember saying something along the lines of "there is none" or "its fairly simple, i pretty much work and go to school"

he wanted to know what made me happy, or what i thought life was all about.

i didnt' really buy it, but this guy was charming, intriguing, not to mention.......very attractive.

bright blue eyes, soft looking lips that made you wanna take him aside at any moment, and a lovely curious smile.

very non threatening, and somehow sincere.

we pretty much continued to talk about things that were very interesting to me. he said his happiness was making other people happy, and he liked having free time, he appreciated hot showers, because they weren't always available in his past. etc. he asked me lots of questions about my views on things. i answered straightforwardly, because i had nothing to lose, and nothing to prove. most of my answers were pretty vague, mostly because i saw the scenarios as context specific. i assumed that he might have been more conservative (not in the political sense) and i would have appeared insensitive and uncaring, because of my answers. i wasn't really concerned though.

as our conversations went on, i didn't put too much weight on the situation, but i enjoyed talking to him. it was the type of conversation i never really got to have.

after awhile we drifted, but i still wanted to talk to him more, and eventually ran into him again. he wanted to keep me at the party longer, but it was getting late and i needed to go home.

we hugged, and i left without exchanging anything besides the names we had gotten earlier.

i walked to my car and wondered why i didn't get this guys number.

really, i knew it was because i had told myself not to try for anything anymore, i had just gotten hurt recently and let down on another occasion. i just didn't want to deal anymore.

i later came to my senses and found this guy on fb. GOD BLESS TECHNOLOGY.

we ended up agreeing that we had enjoyed talking to each other and would like to hang out sometime.

tbc.....

sing me to sleep, i'm tired and i want to go to bed.

there is not an absolute cure all.

the weight has been lifted, but it gives way for new things to be concerned about. maybe it's time for me to jump off the heated seat.

i need to make certain changes to have the life i want to have in the future, or at least feel like i'm working towards something better.

i've got to cut out some bad habits. stop wasting so much time.

i've got to start thinking about what i really want. how do i get there? what is best for me?

these petty distractions and temporary satisfactions are fleeting and leave me feeling worse than before. time to change all that i have access to.

some choices might look scarier than others............but aren't most things worth it scary at first?

i really just am starting to be bored and dissatisfied. and i feel like the cons are growing higher than the pros.

the things i want to change are greater than the means i have to change them.

so i think that means i might have to go drastic to catch up.

my dreams are huge. but i'm not big enough to accomplish them if i keep wasting time sitting still.

time to step it up. one thing out of the way, now to jump on the rest.

stretch out and wait.....

It was definitely like a dream come true. To have waited soo long for something. To slowly beginning to believe that what you hope for is unattainable, something unlikely, too rare. To think you have to abandon something you’ve always waited for. To see it as foolish. To want to separate yourself from everything; to change everything to disbelieve your dream, so it doesn’t kill you a little every time it doesn’t come true. To hold it like a secret. To feel ashamed when someone judges you for it. For others to say it doesn’t happen that way. To be kicked in the stomach one last time. And then to have it happen to you, just as you need it to. I have anticipated it all my life. And right when I felt like I was breaking down, my dream was within my reach.

Yes, sometime ideals hold us back, but if it’s something like the thing I’m talking about, then I’m very happy I held onto mine just long enough to see it reached.

I wonder if most things happen that way? I won’t worry too much. I’m happy now.

They say good things come to those who wait, and I have been lucky enough to see that be true.

Everything in its right place, even if just for a little while.