accurate depiction of past occurrences

somehow conveys both the past and present. i still believe time makes it fine.i know from my experience. and that's all i REALLY have. MY OWN experience, and no one else's. how often are we just standing on the ledge alone, thinking that that other person was standing next to us, only to realize they were never there.

but it's never really a 'realization' right? because it's their experience. it's just the one you didn't really consider. the thing that you cannot share with everyone.

how about anyone? maybe we just like to think so.

this is fun for me

WOOOOAAAH!!!
the weeknd might just represent to me the continued decay of american morality. his lyrical content specifically. but i think he's just a lot more overt than i'd prefer.



siouxsie and the banshees might've just been better at using metaphors.

reaching towards perfection

I wish I wasn't such a procrastinator. I wonder what my problem is. I think it's because I have such a hard time getting started, then the pressure kicks in and I have no choice but to start. I end up loosing all that prevented me from starting anyway: the need for perfection. I want my concept to be amazing, because I know that I have the potential for it to be that way. However, it never gets executed like that..........because anything close to perfection takes time. More time than I give myself. If I can wrap my academic being around this, to the point I don't have to remind myself of this fact, and I can get it to be automatic (the fact that I must start earlier no matter what) then the results will only get better over time. I cannot be perfect, so shouldn't let the fear of not being so prevent me from at least doing the best I can. It is the only way I can get better. Doing my best every single time. My dreams are huge, and they can be done, but only if I stop letting my own bad qualities hold me back.

I want to shine so badly, but I don't even deserve it if i don't do what I need to.

I hope putting this down will bring some subconscious clarity, and it can click.

hey self defeater.....

that's you. driving over that bridge. feeling all too familiar. you don't feel quite right.....you wish you could say "unhappy". buy you were happy earlier, you were happy yesterday, you were happy last week, you'll be happy tomorrow. yes, there's things that are wrong. but that's not what's hitting you. it's that feeling again. deja vu. you've felt it every time this time of year, driving over that bridge. finishing a full day only to head home, to not much. as if all you do isn't worth anything. you know that's not true. but it's just that feeling, when you know you'll be fine later, but at that moment something is missing. it's you, you're becoming this. this defines you. a quality you don't want to have. you don't understand how it hasn't changed. you begin to think it's part of your identity. .... you cannot change it. you want so badly to bring it into being. to have your gaze across the room to have some merit. some force.

fly pelican fly

i've always been in love with pelican, but they deserve more than my love, i'll just clarify why i love them.

they meet my desire for heaviness, yet, despite how heavy or dark they sound, they always have this bright glimmer of optimism, strength, growth, and hope. never heard a boring song my them.

catching the glow

I remember when I was like 17-19 and I had 'the glow". I was just so happy with the people in my life and how things were going....give or take a few things missing. I was definitely happy. I still am, but the glow is more fleeting. More than before, I notice that I have longer periods of time where I'm glowless, and I don't know what it'd take to get it back. However, lately I've been able to catch that feeling. The one where you're just happy to be alive, even if you're not doing anything extra exciting or new. You're comfortable even if there are serious problems around you, because you know that that's just a part of the big picture.

This is good, because not too long ago I was beginning to think I had lost my ability to be that happy........you know........glowingly happy.

So now, when it think of the current conditions, I think I owe it more so to the people in my life.

I always say stuff like this, but it's def. something pretty vital to me.

Times when I don't have the glow doesn't so much mean that i'm lacking company, but that i'm lacking the right kind of company.

I think when I have the right company, my anxieties dissapear and I realize I don't have to worry that much, because in those moments others have faith in my even when I have questioned the faith in myself.

What is one to do if they are alone and begin to doubt themselves? They have no one to encourage them.

I think that is what saves me.....other people. It makes it so that I am not so dependent on them if I don't want to be. What I mean is, it gives me a light at the end of the tunnel if I do feel i've lost a glow.........if i do feel alienated. Somehow, someone can bring me back.

Sometimes I feel soo alone, but luckily I have just enough special people in my life that I feel know me and understand me, even when I don't get myself.

Even moreso, to see that someone else truly believes in you. It makes you want to never let them down, so you hold your actions to a higher standard. You aren't just living for yourself, by yourself. You know that what you do sends energies to others and that it matters what you do.

I'm happy to have my glow still, and I hope it never goes away.

trying harder to draw a line through my stream of disappearing thoughts

so one day in the future, i might ask myself why i like this and i won't know why. in the meantime, i'll just write a little something about my thoughts on it now:

Red House Painters, Medicine Bottle:

how i even found red house painters is a slight mystery to me. i think i found them in connection to another 'similar' band.

'similar'? because RHP are weird. Its like all those obscure indie style songs from the 90s; its got a lot of elements from that time for me. However, I haven't really heard anything like the RHP.

The vocalist's voice has that lazy sort of appeal, and the music is beyond chill, but i just don't really take to this guys lyrical style at all. they've got a weird thing going on. something that keeps bringing me back to them.......24, medicine bottle, chinese to english.

down colorful hill will get some future attention from me. i cannot say i like it, but i know i dont hate it. i just don't get it yet.............

am i still ill?

I'm almost done with the second week of my senior year at ASU. It's not too bad now, but I think......am almost certain, that it will be pretty tough.

So far, i'm not very nervous. I guess I've been lucky at some things.........i def. feel very lucky lately. I get to see an old friend almost everyday at school, and that helps the long days not seems so long and lonely. My instructors seem pretty cool....so far. I guess the summer just helped recharge me, I feel ready to take things on.

As for the video, it just reminds me of things that happened in the past that still have some sort of hold on me. I guess i'll always miss the old days......

i currently don't like other people close to me

I'm trying to become happy again. Just my old self. I think I've been putting too much weight on trying for things that aren't what i'd naturally do in hopes of being the best I can be. Maybe for me to truly be the best I can be, it means I should do things at my OWN pace, rather than trying to keep up or trying to do tons of stuff to feel as if i'm accomplishing something.

In reality, i'm much happier hanging alone and blocking out certain influences.

A lot of things and people I just want to throw as far away from me as I can. I get wayy too harsh and critical at times, to the point I just cannot deal with certain others. Which another reason why I should just be my own best friend.

I don't wanna say 'all' but, i think all of my connections have broken. Or at least the kinds of connections you think you are having when you are younger. Now people seem further out, and I seem further out than being on the same page.

It's good i'm realizing this because now I can just stop expecting much from others all over again like I used to do.

Kinda sad, but very realistic and worked in my favor some years ago. I love people, but at a distance.

actually written Thursday June 9th 2011

oh i want to change it all.

it's been a hell of a semester. i kept saying how long it's been, but now that it's over it doesn't seem like it, ha. obviously, isn't that how it works?

really, it has been a long one. and i feel like i've got nothing but just some extra classes on my record.

looking back on my blog. my quick reflection is that i'm still detached but not anymore than anyone else. I think i'm ok as far as my emotions go.

i'm just lonely. since his departure, things went back to normal. only i had something to miss. it was a sharp transition from excitement and freshness to the mediocre, stressful, and lonliness. i had to deal with my own bad habits plus the feeling going to bed and waking up alone. not that that's new either but it definitely felt a lot worse.

ever since i've just stayed in bed a lot longer each morning, or hopped into bed earlier.

just to escape.

and thats sad. i could only really be happy in my head. and i'm still that way.

i've just felt kind of blank and lonely lately. of course there are moments where i get a spark from another. my freinds help me from time to time. i'm at least lucky enough to have some people to talk to even if it's not as often as i like.

i even met someone who took my mind off of him, but it's nothing. just hope for a replacement. even a replacement that doesn't equate even a 10th. just someone. the hope that i can pass the time. pretty sad.

but whatever. i know what i'm doing

i need something to avoid this mediocrity, yet always who i am seems to surface to warn me.....don't be like that.

just live and do the best thing.

but it's not working.

i end this semester wishing i could've broken my habit and telling myself once again that this summer i can fix it all. well i really hope i find something anything to renew the light in me. because i'm feeling exactly like i did a couple years ago where nothing was going right the only place for safety was in my head. i got a rude awakening then though.

next time, i'll keep it to myself

step one:

step two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy3be2oLDK8

the bitter women

whenever i go out to a bar with certain single lady friends we always end up talking about men and how much we want relationships or to be getting laid more....within at least a semi-meaningful relationship. and then we start talking about how all the losers and douchebags in this town aren't good enough for us anyways.

do the men we dream of even exist? if so, where?

b'c i'd like something meaningful, or semi-meaningful so i can start getting my 'rocks off' more. hehe.

detached i guess.

i wish i was different.

i really love who i am, but there are things about myself that make my life difficult.

it's mostly based upon habit though, but habits are hard to break.

i have well enough reason to be motivated, yet i'm not. it's up to me to put forth that energy.

it's definitely harder with .........him gone.

it was brief, but it made an impact.

it's different than the other failed times, where there were lots of questions and wondering.

this time everything was right and clear.

it's just dealing with the loss.

the curiosity of if maybe there can ever be more.

the contrast between just last week and now.

how quietly exciting it was everytime i knew i'd be seeing him that evening.

just the feeling alone of being in his presence.

i've also noticed how things feel differently now than they did in the past.

i think i've just numbed myself to certain experiences and emotions. I realize how valuable the moments are........but i don't always feel them.

sometimes we'd talk about how we were "detached"

and it makes me wonder...... am i? and how much?

what's it like not to be detached if so?

it seems like no one's allowed to let their emotions go anymore.

i do recall how vulnerable i felt when i held his hand and told him some simple words with heavy weight.

i think thats the memory that elicits the most powerful response.

we woke up that morning after having one last play a couple hours earlier. he was wrapped around me, and the harsh alarm went off.

i guess for the past several hours i hadn't really wanted to think about him leaving, just enjoy him while he was there. just as he probably did with everything and everyone.

he got up........and i let out a soft, slightly pleading, whiny "nooo"

him, sort of ......detached....."what?"

eh, either way.....he went and got ready for the day, and i went back to sleep for a little while, not really wanting to leave the place where i had spent the past few nights. a place that had become very special and maybe symbollic.

he came back and woke me, and i got up and got ready quietly.....sadly.

small talk about things he needed to handle.

i hate burdening anyone of what they need to get done....as if i'm not worth it.

"well, i guess i won't stick around too long...." or something along those lines.

he kind of looked perplexed for a second. didn't look at me. continued.

when he was situated he asked if i wanted to get breakfast.

i asked if he had time, and he said he did.

we ate, quietly. he spoke to some of his classmates about signing out and all that.....

i managed to just hold my emotions inside.

we walked out to our cars. covered in ice.

he offered to de-ice me.

i sipped my coffee as he did so....watched him take the ice off my windows.....

secretly cherishing the features of his face.

wondering his thoughts which were always virtually unknowable.

i wonder how much of my love for him had to do with his mystery.

part of me, i'm sure, wanted my windows to stay iced over forever.

just so i could stand there with him.

i wasn't physically cold, surprisingly. one thing i always noticed while being with him was his warmth. physically and demeanor.

we'd hold hands, and my hands are always cold. but never his. never an awkward touch or embrace from him.

i think maybe over time he really had de-iced me....at least i definitely was at that moment.

anyway.

the moment of truth came.

he de-iced his car........i was over near mine.

we walked towards each other

and hugged. in that moment the emotions were welling up inside me. i never wanted to leave his embrace.

we kissed softly. said some words.

i knew what i needed to do.

i stepped back, still holding on to his hand.

looked straight into his kind face into his beautiful, clear and bright blue eyes

" i really do love you" with a small smile. "no pressure! i just would hate myself if i didn't say it" and he was quiet, but still looked calm and warm. at that moment i could feel the tears in my eyes, i didn't let them fall. but it was clear they were there.

said he really was happy he met me.

pretty much we said bye........and that was it

what's your story

i was at a party alone....well i came alone. mingled with any party goers that would give me a chance, rather than just cliquing up with the people they already knew.

i was having a decent time, after all, i wasn't home alone thinking about how shitty i had been feeling the past few weeks.

it was the 3rd Friday (or sat morning) in December. i had finished my seventh semester in school, had gotten back from visiting Jen in Atlanta the previous week.

i wasn't at my best. i had my doubts about a lot of things, mostly men and myself.......probably other things i can't remember, but have documented somewhere in brief notes.

anywho, i was fairly tipsy, it was about halfway into the party for me, and people were getting drunker by the sip. i was laughing at the party goers and my friends....but was still kind of to myself. i was eating some homemade delicious pecan pie and drinking some cheap beer. somewhere between bites and lauging at the increasing craziness surrounding me in the kitchen, i caught the gaze of a guy just a few feet in front of me looking at me.

he said to me, right through the small group of people between us : "what's your story?"

i stared at him, slightly perplexed. i probably asked him to repeat himself. i know i thought "who asks that?"

because at this time in my life, i hadn't recently met anyone that cared to know too much about me. i was beginning to grow cynical about my relations with people.

he asked me again what my story was, and came next to me.

i remember saying something along the lines of "there is none" or "its fairly simple, i pretty much work and go to school"

he wanted to know what made me happy, or what i thought life was all about.

i didnt' really buy it, but this guy was charming, intriguing, not to mention.......very attractive.

bright blue eyes, soft looking lips that made you wanna take him aside at any moment, and a lovely curious smile.

very non threatening, and somehow sincere.

we pretty much continued to talk about things that were very interesting to me. he said his happiness was making other people happy, and he liked having free time, he appreciated hot showers, because they weren't always available in his past. etc. he asked me lots of questions about my views on things. i answered straightforwardly, because i had nothing to lose, and nothing to prove. most of my answers were pretty vague, mostly because i saw the scenarios as context specific. i assumed that he might have been more conservative (not in the political sense) and i would have appeared insensitive and uncaring, because of my answers. i wasn't really concerned though.

as our conversations went on, i didn't put too much weight on the situation, but i enjoyed talking to him. it was the type of conversation i never really got to have.

after awhile we drifted, but i still wanted to talk to him more, and eventually ran into him again. he wanted to keep me at the party longer, but it was getting late and i needed to go home.

we hugged, and i left without exchanging anything besides the names we had gotten earlier.

i walked to my car and wondered why i didn't get this guys number.

really, i knew it was because i had told myself not to try for anything anymore, i had just gotten hurt recently and let down on another occasion. i just didn't want to deal anymore.

i later came to my senses and found this guy on fb. GOD BLESS TECHNOLOGY.

we ended up agreeing that we had enjoyed talking to each other and would like to hang out sometime.

tbc.....

sing me to sleep, i'm tired and i want to go to bed.

there is not an absolute cure all.

the weight has been lifted, but it gives way for new things to be concerned about. maybe it's time for me to jump off the heated seat.

i need to make certain changes to have the life i want to have in the future, or at least feel like i'm working towards something better.

i've got to cut out some bad habits. stop wasting so much time.

i've got to start thinking about what i really want. how do i get there? what is best for me?

these petty distractions and temporary satisfactions are fleeting and leave me feeling worse than before. time to change all that i have access to.

some choices might look scarier than others............but aren't most things worth it scary at first?

i really just am starting to be bored and dissatisfied. and i feel like the cons are growing higher than the pros.

the things i want to change are greater than the means i have to change them.

so i think that means i might have to go drastic to catch up.

my dreams are huge. but i'm not big enough to accomplish them if i keep wasting time sitting still.

time to step it up. one thing out of the way, now to jump on the rest.

stretch out and wait.....

It was definitely like a dream come true. To have waited soo long for something. To slowly beginning to believe that what you hope for is unattainable, something unlikely, too rare. To think you have to abandon something you’ve always waited for. To see it as foolish. To want to separate yourself from everything; to change everything to disbelieve your dream, so it doesn’t kill you a little every time it doesn’t come true. To hold it like a secret. To feel ashamed when someone judges you for it. For others to say it doesn’t happen that way. To be kicked in the stomach one last time. And then to have it happen to you, just as you need it to. I have anticipated it all my life. And right when I felt like I was breaking down, my dream was within my reach.

Yes, sometime ideals hold us back, but if it’s something like the thing I’m talking about, then I’m very happy I held onto mine just long enough to see it reached.

I wonder if most things happen that way? I won’t worry too much. I’m happy now.

They say good things come to those who wait, and I have been lucky enough to see that be true.

Everything in its right place, even if just for a little while.

i'm no masochist.

one thing i guess i'll never let go of is my pride.

when it gets a jab taken at it, i know when to stop.

i really don't wanna be like everyone else and play the game. i just wish i wasn't the only one.

the way things have been lately all i wanna do is run away from everything. start over completely.

we can never fully start over, but it'd be a hell of a lot easier if i could just leave this town.

it won't solve everything, but i just know that i don't belong here. i know that i will never reach my full potential.

i'm incredibly bored and unsatisfied. i hate to use the word 'fair' but i'm definitely feeling it.

all i can do is go directly into 'protect myself' mode. it's the only real way i can deal and leave asap.