reflections

when every spring semester closes down i anticipate all of the things i will do during the nearing summer to better myself, treat myself, and just be more productive in general.

now with the summer closing down and me heading back into class next week, i feel like i didn't do exactly what i planned.

maybe it's because i never made that list. maybe it's because of a particular scenario of heartbreak that put my mood down for about a month. or maybe-more realistically.....it's just me. i KNOW my potential. know it.

but i keep short selling myself. i have got to do better. no joke. i've got 3 years of college under my belt and i'm still kind of in the same place as when i entered. older, wiser and all that. but i'm not the girl with a plan.

this semester needs to be different. i have to make a promise to my self to stop being average when i know i am not.

on a different note, i cannot say my summer was a waste.

i'm always learning...always realizing.

i know that i am who i am. i shouldn't feel the need to compromise who i am to be closer or more ideal to someone else. BUT, i also shouldn't be "wasting time sitting still". i am dynamic and am confident enough to put myself out there........so why don't i?

another thing is....people come and go. really......there is no minimal or maximum time for someone to be in your life. even if it is a quick two-week thing........or even a few hours........our most interesting interactions might be short-lived; fleeting. i wanted a particular person to be a larger part of my life......but that might not be part of the greater plan. i realized how much it really can hurt.......i haven't really been hurt in awhile. and if you haven't been hurt in awhile, you can pretty much forget how it really feels. i've been reminded.

right now, it stings. but that's it. i think i'm pretty good at moving on.

but yeah i also realized the strength i have in my friends.

and also, just recently realized empathy. how it feels to feel through someone and really displace your own fears and really understand theirs.

we are all the same...........much more than we are different.

but i know that i never want to be such an unhappy, uncaring person that i cannot feel that again.

this summer i really did make some leaps. i did things outside my typical safety and just rolled with them. and the outcomes were great. i cannot regret anything i did.

getting closer to certain friends, figuring out some previously mysterious ones, seeing old ones that are away. forgiving.

i've had lots of great times this summer the more i think about it. and rarely did i ever drive home with tears in my eyes.

i found things that really connected and some things or people that just didn't. i'm rambling now....but i just need to stay self assured. life isn't a hell. not even close.