so i'm not feeling nearly as shitty as i've previously been feeling. that issue has passed.

it almost seems totally ridiculous that i was so emotionally hurt a few weeks ago. in the back of my head i knew all the most logical components of the situation. i knew that 'time makes it fine' , i knew that when it was over it........well...it would be over. hah.

and i was right.

but it's funny how we know that everything will be alright while we are making big deals out of things.

but our emotions take front seat when things are in action.

you can't just stop being sad until something is resolved in such a way. i could still be in a funk. but thank god, i was given the opportunity for at least some kind of closure. something to soften the blow.

didn't come out the way i exactly wanted. but it IS for the best.

it just sucks i spent a damn month having a hard time. i guess it was one of the first times in a long time. i'm usually pretty damn happy to say the least. but things happen. it's just life.

on a different note, i did my "big chop" on Saturday, July 17th. it wasn't super epic or anything haha. and i didn't cry.

i was a little nervous going in, but i knew that feeling that way for something i was choosing to do was unnecessary.

it turned out well. she didn't cut it SUPER short.....like shave me bald or anything.

and its funny.....EVERYONE LOVED IT. i'm still getting tons of comments from my co-workers and my customers. and it's really nice.

i feel a lot more confident. and i feel like it's the start of something new.

i'm really excited about turning 21 and it helps if i don't feel like crap in the meantime. my 18th was like a celebration of awesome things leading up to it. and i want this one to be the same.

i want to be positive.

well...i don't feel like writing anymore......even though i never got to a real point. wow.

I am not prepared, I just gotta gotta get there, where am I, why can't I just get it together?

jeez. life. it is what it is. i usually don't let things get me too down.......but i guess sometimes idle hands are the devils playground. some things just had to come in and take my summer high down tons of notches.

there's a lesson to be learned about pretty much anything that happens and affects your life.......but for this on....i think could have waited for what the hell ever lesson i have to learn. i haven't figured it out yet. i don't see the payoff...... i'm just now the emotional wastebasket i've stopped myself from being all this time.

i just feel so alone these days. it's very very reminiscent of last summer. i just wanna drive away and leave everyone behind 50% of the time. then the other 50% of me knows that i need them by my side more than ever now. i guess i just wanna feel like someone really really gets me.

i mean, everyone wants that....

....sigh.

i don't know. i guess the idea i had for this summer just didn't happen. the end of it is drawing nearer.....and i feel just as unprepared as ever. i'm not advancing in the ways i've been wanting.

i can't help but feel like a waste these days.

i wonder it this is the lesson i've been supposed to learn.

but the thing is.........how do i fix it?