and true love wins

i think about a lot....A LOT.

and lately all i've been thinking about is the solution to a problem. a choice. a decision.

i wonder should i seize the day....even if it means using someone as a means to an end? i know it won't go anywhere else......

and i wonder, should i just let it go? move on and wait for the best thing......

the best thing being.....what i've always wanted, what i've always dreamt....what is ideal and right.

of course it seems like i the latter is best. but for me....thats only if it is possible.

in life nothing is certain. i would love to just wait for what i've always wanted, but i keep thinking "well, what if what i've always wanted is unrealistic, and is likely to not even happen?"

i guess like paula cole said, "i dont' wanna wait for my life to be over" haha. really, cheesy. but i don't.

even thought i've constantly caught trying to decide what is right and best......i usually don't get put in a situation such as the one i'm in.

people in my life say that it isn't such a big deal............i say it isn't such a big deal. i SAY it isn't such a big deal. i try to CONVINCE myself it isn't such a big deal.

but if it keeps plaguing my thoughts.....and it making me stressed, then apparently it IS a big deal. i should just wait.

i guess just by writing this i am making my mind.

but also i keep wondering...........how long will i have to wait for what i want.

and is what i want even out there?

i guess i just can't be comfortable. but i know for sure....i was happier when i was alone.....single that is.

i was happier when all i had was my friends, that i had not questions about. i guess it's just life teaching me that goodness is totally worth waiting for. i didn't just settle for my friends, they were sent to me. i didn't have to seek them. i didn't have to hope that they loved me. i didn't have to really worry about using them as means to ends.

i love them. they love me. and it is real. and if that is real, then maybe the true love i am hoping for can be just as real. is it that hard to think that dreams can come true? maybe i just need to have no expectations

ok

i have decided. true love waits. true love is real. true love wins.

no doubt, i will stay a dreamer.

that's the only real way i can be happy.