Reflection

After taking the course on Wittgenstein, I can say I have greatly grown to appreciate his ideas. Initially, I had a difficult time understanding his points but was motivated to stick with it every time a concept finally became clear. In the Tractatus, I was most interested in Wittgenstein’s explanation of philosophy and how it clears issues found within language. With the Investigations, it took a lot more time and effort to understand what Wittgenstein was trying to say from section to section. However, every time it clicked for me, the reward was much greater because of the clever ways he wrote. He writes in a way that makes you think on your own. I doubt anyone could sit down with the Investigations and read straight through it and understand it. You have to really see into his work and look for the little tricks and tones of voice he uses to convey his meaning.

The texts are very rich and worth it if one is truly interested. When the course began I never thought that I would enjoy studying Wittgenstein, even though I wanted to. I would like to study the Investigations more in the future (when things are less hectic). The in-class discussions were difficult to follow at first, considering how new and unfamiliar the concepts were to me, but over time they were a lot more meaningful and helpful. I have also learned a lot from taking the course and have been proud of the progress I feel in being able to understand something that seemed so impossible at first. The ideas of Wittgenstein have also caused me to think differently about things, like what we can learn from our language, the unsayable, and how language paradoxes arise. Overall, I am happy to have taken this course.

note to self: stop screwing up.

this semester(yes, i have to document points in my life by semester) has been a huge eye opener.

its over halfway done and i've decided that i'm lazy, unmotivated, unlikely to be laid anytime soon, unlikely to be in love/loved anytime soon, likely to be come a professional cynicist, and uh...........in need of a completely new lifestyle. "what's new" you say?

the fact i've realized there's no love or sex in my new future and the fact i'm STILL bored with my life and unmotivated and lazy. according to my mental life plan, i'm supposed to be surpassed all that by now or at least close to defeating it.

the bored with life part probably has to do with the fact nothing in my life has changed in 4 years. the lazy and unmotivated part is prolly highly correlated, but also a matter of me not reminding myself enough how important it is for me to stop my bad habits now to fix the first few issues.

i know how in control i am of my own fate and well being

and it helps me work my way out of some sticky situations, but recently i put myself in a sticky situation all on my own. my life has been so chaotic. so ridiculous. and i haven't even really done much of anything. It's all my fucked up mind space reflecting onto my reality and making me make dumb decisions.

i really have to ................................HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO

get my shit together. and stop letting myself be my own personal defeatist.

and in addition, save myself from further embarrassment and personal shame that i just let myself be subjected to. you live you learn, but i already know better.

reflections

when every spring semester closes down i anticipate all of the things i will do during the nearing summer to better myself, treat myself, and just be more productive in general.

now with the summer closing down and me heading back into class next week, i feel like i didn't do exactly what i planned.

maybe it's because i never made that list. maybe it's because of a particular scenario of heartbreak that put my mood down for about a month. or maybe-more realistically.....it's just me. i KNOW my potential. know it.

but i keep short selling myself. i have got to do better. no joke. i've got 3 years of college under my belt and i'm still kind of in the same place as when i entered. older, wiser and all that. but i'm not the girl with a plan.

this semester needs to be different. i have to make a promise to my self to stop being average when i know i am not.

on a different note, i cannot say my summer was a waste.

i'm always learning...always realizing.

i know that i am who i am. i shouldn't feel the need to compromise who i am to be closer or more ideal to someone else. BUT, i also shouldn't be "wasting time sitting still". i am dynamic and am confident enough to put myself out there........so why don't i?

another thing is....people come and go. really......there is no minimal or maximum time for someone to be in your life. even if it is a quick two-week thing........or even a few hours........our most interesting interactions might be short-lived; fleeting. i wanted a particular person to be a larger part of my life......but that might not be part of the greater plan. i realized how much it really can hurt.......i haven't really been hurt in awhile. and if you haven't been hurt in awhile, you can pretty much forget how it really feels. i've been reminded.

right now, it stings. but that's it. i think i'm pretty good at moving on.

but yeah i also realized the strength i have in my friends.

and also, just recently realized empathy. how it feels to feel through someone and really displace your own fears and really understand theirs.

we are all the same...........much more than we are different.

but i know that i never want to be such an unhappy, uncaring person that i cannot feel that again.

this summer i really did make some leaps. i did things outside my typical safety and just rolled with them. and the outcomes were great. i cannot regret anything i did.

getting closer to certain friends, figuring out some previously mysterious ones, seeing old ones that are away. forgiving.

i've had lots of great times this summer the more i think about it. and rarely did i ever drive home with tears in my eyes.

i found things that really connected and some things or people that just didn't. i'm rambling now....but i just need to stay self assured. life isn't a hell. not even close.

so i'm not feeling nearly as shitty as i've previously been feeling. that issue has passed.

it almost seems totally ridiculous that i was so emotionally hurt a few weeks ago. in the back of my head i knew all the most logical components of the situation. i knew that 'time makes it fine' , i knew that when it was over it........well...it would be over. hah.

and i was right.

but it's funny how we know that everything will be alright while we are making big deals out of things.

but our emotions take front seat when things are in action.

you can't just stop being sad until something is resolved in such a way. i could still be in a funk. but thank god, i was given the opportunity for at least some kind of closure. something to soften the blow.

didn't come out the way i exactly wanted. but it IS for the best.

it just sucks i spent a damn month having a hard time. i guess it was one of the first times in a long time. i'm usually pretty damn happy to say the least. but things happen. it's just life.

on a different note, i did my "big chop" on Saturday, July 17th. it wasn't super epic or anything haha. and i didn't cry.

i was a little nervous going in, but i knew that feeling that way for something i was choosing to do was unnecessary.

it turned out well. she didn't cut it SUPER short.....like shave me bald or anything.

and its funny.....EVERYONE LOVED IT. i'm still getting tons of comments from my co-workers and my customers. and it's really nice.

i feel a lot more confident. and i feel like it's the start of something new.

i'm really excited about turning 21 and it helps if i don't feel like crap in the meantime. my 18th was like a celebration of awesome things leading up to it. and i want this one to be the same.

i want to be positive.

well...i don't feel like writing anymore......even though i never got to a real point. wow.

I am not prepared, I just gotta gotta get there, where am I, why can't I just get it together?

jeez. life. it is what it is. i usually don't let things get me too down.......but i guess sometimes idle hands are the devils playground. some things just had to come in and take my summer high down tons of notches.

there's a lesson to be learned about pretty much anything that happens and affects your life.......but for this on....i think could have waited for what the hell ever lesson i have to learn. i haven't figured it out yet. i don't see the payoff...... i'm just now the emotional wastebasket i've stopped myself from being all this time.

i just feel so alone these days. it's very very reminiscent of last summer. i just wanna drive away and leave everyone behind 50% of the time. then the other 50% of me knows that i need them by my side more than ever now. i guess i just wanna feel like someone really really gets me.

i mean, everyone wants that....

....sigh.

i don't know. i guess the idea i had for this summer just didn't happen. the end of it is drawing nearer.....and i feel just as unprepared as ever. i'm not advancing in the ways i've been wanting.

i can't help but feel like a waste these days.

i wonder it this is the lesson i've been supposed to learn.

but the thing is.........how do i fix it?

it's deafening

suspend expectations. if only i could do that with everything.

i'm really at a pivotal point in my life. i'm at that age where i know it's ALL in my own hands at this point. yet, somehow, i still don't know for sure where to turn. practicality or flow? take the leap or play it safe? how disciplined am i really? i never ever considered the military, but maybe that could help me follow my dreams AND teach me the discipline i really desire and need.

i need to start considering time and the future. the present is already a gift, can i do something to ensure that is stays that way?

maybe.

it might suck for awhile but.....in the long run.

the summer makes me both slightly a hedonist, but still so thoughtful and wise. i guess my best lessons come when i let loose and act a little wild.

on a different note.... it's strange how fear can present itself. you think you're bold and confident and completely worthy of companionship. and you meet someone that makes you feel inferior. sinking into adoration.

it's strange the mix of emotions i get from this person. hope, fear, uncertainty, love, comfort, real. sad. surreal.

i suppose my biggest fear is one i've dealt with time and time again: rejection. life just let me alone. and when i say alone, maybe thats all i would prefer to be. rather than have to have dealt with love&loss.

and true love wins

i think about a lot....A LOT.

and lately all i've been thinking about is the solution to a problem. a choice. a decision.

i wonder should i seize the day....even if it means using someone as a means to an end? i know it won't go anywhere else......

and i wonder, should i just let it go? move on and wait for the best thing......

the best thing being.....what i've always wanted, what i've always dreamt....what is ideal and right.

of course it seems like i the latter is best. but for me....thats only if it is possible.

in life nothing is certain. i would love to just wait for what i've always wanted, but i keep thinking "well, what if what i've always wanted is unrealistic, and is likely to not even happen?"

i guess like paula cole said, "i dont' wanna wait for my life to be over" haha. really, cheesy. but i don't.

even thought i've constantly caught trying to decide what is right and best......i usually don't get put in a situation such as the one i'm in.

people in my life say that it isn't such a big deal............i say it isn't such a big deal. i SAY it isn't such a big deal. i try to CONVINCE myself it isn't such a big deal.

but if it keeps plaguing my thoughts.....and it making me stressed, then apparently it IS a big deal. i should just wait.

i guess just by writing this i am making my mind.

but also i keep wondering...........how long will i have to wait for what i want.

and is what i want even out there?

i guess i just can't be comfortable. but i know for sure....i was happier when i was alone.....single that is.

i was happier when all i had was my friends, that i had not questions about. i guess it's just life teaching me that goodness is totally worth waiting for. i didn't just settle for my friends, they were sent to me. i didn't have to seek them. i didn't have to hope that they loved me. i didn't have to really worry about using them as means to ends.

i love them. they love me. and it is real. and if that is real, then maybe the true love i am hoping for can be just as real. is it that hard to think that dreams can come true? maybe i just need to have no expectations

ok

i have decided. true love waits. true love is real. true love wins.

no doubt, i will stay a dreamer.

that's the only real way i can be happy.

no time this time.

i've always had a kinda weird thing about growing up. it's inevitable and natural....but so fast......

it always sneaks up on you. really, i'm only twenty, so i obviously don't have a life's worth of experience, but this stuff still freaks me out.

i hate the 24 hours a day we all get. it's not everyday, but i just hate that feeling that the day is gone and i haven't done anything.
i feel like time is moving soo fast and i won't be able to acomplish the neverending list of things i want to do before i die.

it's strange moving through time....
there are things that seem like they will last forever, and if they stop, you're left standing around.....all surpised and whatnot. :)

and just the same, things happen that you'd never expect, or that you wouldn't expect to happen so soon.


aside from time...
what do you do when you're faced with a situation you've always said you'd avoid, and it would be just that simple to avoid...........yet, it happens anyway........so basically you try to manage it. and that makes you a hypocrit........
vague. what's new?
i've got a little bit of that happening. i'm all about the ideal. but the ideal takes to long to wait for, and i want to accomplish certain things in my youth rather than wait....so should i just take a dive? or wait it out for a ideal that may never even happen? damn.