seven wasted years, boiling in vomit......

some things are more trouble than they're worth



good things don't come easy, but damn.


show me your bones.
show me your soul.
give me a reason to think you're even worth it.
save me the trouble
i don't like having my time wasted.



you make your life. no one makes it for you.

i need to remember that, and take it into account, before i self destruct.

so in time for me.............

i guess i am inately a dreamer.
no matter what i do.


as realistic as i would like to consider myself and seem to others, all i do is create what i desire in my mind and pretend that one day i'll do it.

i know that i can have whatever i want...........
i just need to go out and get it.



i am so lazy, so restless, so unmotivated lately.
it's been that way for a long time.
i really want to push myself. i really want to be someone that is driven. someone using all their potential.

dreaming won't get me there.

i'm feeling like i have not options.
i will have even fewer options in the future if i dont get myself together now.
i've got my head so far in the sky.
all i wanna do is lay outside in the sun and think. haha.
can i get paid for that?


my mind is all over the place. at times life feels like too much.

not a bad too much. just too much.

best freinds means i pull the trigger, best friends means you get what you deserve.....

i wanna put my foot up someones ass.
sooo fucking far.



i am so sick of this one deck of cards i'm dealt. and the ones other people get.


i don't usually get jealous, but i'm human.

i'm seriously sick of the same shit happening to me over and over again.
why can't this one issue resolve itself, so then my life can be balanced?
and if that balance is unattainable, which i wouldn't be surprised if it was, then why can't i just have my life suck in a different field instead of the same one over and over?




i would love to smack a bitch.

and life is very long..............

today was an interesting day. i woke up feeling a little sloowwwed down. Basically, my mind wanted to start going, and my body didn't. my emotions have been taking the back seat lately. not that it's a big deal. it's just instead of really dealing with the small things, i've let them stack on top of each other.
then what happens....you get slowed down, won't stop taking loud breaths every 40 seconds. feeling like i'm gonna be sick april.

i've been feeling like a basketcase w/o feeling anything.
live has been showing itself to me, just like it always does.

i need to get it together, but i find myself just thinking about all the possiblities of everything.
my mind is open so wide.

all i wanna do is sit and ponder.
i know, typical dreamer, philosophical shit.

i just wanna be able to do whatever i want, get whatever i want. take advantage of life my way.

in reality, i'm limited by work and school, and i should just work around it and be super-acheiver. but i end up letting myself get in the way.

enough of that.


i went to the canal today with the freinds. it was absolutely beautiful. soo great to be away, physically and mentally. just laughing and exploring. i felt like a kid.


i never feel like a kid.

everything is so endless.
everything is a possiblity.


i used to see everything as being a certain way. reality. the way it IS.
not the way things COULD be.

but now everything is sooo uncertain.

it is so strange how people change.
i saw laura today, i saw her yesterday
she's still so beautiful and intriguing.
steve seems like a good guy.

it's absolutely surreal. not seeing someone in 8 years.

then you meet and you dont know what to do.

also somehow, the more time you spend, the more you figure it out.
things become natural.
they don't always start that way.




i'm always so overwhelmed. all the time.

all the time.



the meeting gave me some insight.
it makes life more real. i dont think i'll get these words later, but i'll try and explain:

shes alive, i'm alive.
8 years later. not really a big deal to say.
but the world is going. we could have not been around to see each other.

being back w/her felt like the kid days. just seeing her, b/c thats where i remember her from
it's just strange. being in the same air as someone you havent seen in forever, and didnt know when you'd see them.
it was a reality check but also an alternate universe feeling thing.
kind of out of the ordinary, but very real. but surreal.

now i'm just talking.

i can capture the feeling. i tried.










really.......it was a LONNNG day. i was surrounded by people i love ALL day and i went from freeling like shit, to feeling endless again.

i've got a lot to see. i don't want to go anywhere.

you know i want to pick you, but they don't want you

waste. most of the time it's just a waste.
energy, hope, fear. learning
worth it? sometimes.
i think not
easier to just not care.
i .......would love to.
meet me halfway, why dont you
if it isnt, then it isnt
will it ever be?
i'm starting to think not.
the mind won't quit.
it'd be a lot easier not to care.
meet you halfway?
ha. you'd wish.
it's just bullshit.
like it always is.
makes me laugh
makes me die.
just one more time.
i think not

fall off the table, get swept under........

it sucks when you want something.
even worse is.... when you're waiting to get it.

you wonder what'll be like when you get it.
if you'll still like it.
if it'd be like you thought.




or if you'll get it at all.

then you start to think how sweet it'd be not to want it to begin with. then it wouldn't even matter.


i guess it's obvious i'm not just talking material objects. i'm talking about people too.

feeling suck sometimes..... well just the bad ones.
when you re euphoric and happy,everything is right and well... but when you want something, and you've been let down so much, you don't even know if you could begin to handle it if you got it.

all you want is to never have wanted it to begin with, then you wouldn't have to deal with adverse effects.


but usually it's all worth it, b/c life teaches lessons.




my point.....? i guess i always contradict myself.

time......it makes it fine.

so i just recently found my password onto this thing.
haha. goes to show how much of a fan i am of blogspot.



i'm bored at work... so what better time to document my running thoughts.

life slightly stressed. i really don't want to go home and read for all my classes this week, but it's necessary for the all-new-April.
the April that wants to be motivated and stress-less.
impossible much? yeah the stress-less part.

i'm thinking even though my classes will be tough this semester, at least if i do everything i have planned on, i should be fairly well rounded. it's not i that i don't like class, it's just that i don't care for the time consumption after class.

the last thing i wanna do is go to class, go to work, and then have not leisure.

oh well. i guess there will never be 48 hours in a day like i'd wish for, so i guess ill have to stretch the 24.


i feel queasy all the time lately. strange. idk why. not sure if it's a mental thing or a physical thing. however, lately certain situations have been giving me the mental sickness.
to hell with that. it is an issue i've had time and time again, and it seems life will never let me pass it.
every time feels like a new time, when in reality it's just history repeating itself once more.
fuck.
i'm starting to wonder if time really does make things as fine as i'd expect.
oh well. i just hope my mind will let this be dropped so that i wont have any emotions towards it anyways.

its funny how if you forget something, then virtually (to you at least) it never even happened. only when it is called to attention is it real and relevant to you.

it's also funny how if you don't care about an issue, then it is dead to you and doesn't hurt you at all. very awesome. if i can only let my mind lose grasp, then i will be fine.



yes, we really do change who we are.
it wasn't too long ago that i didn't want to forget anything.
but sometimes caring takes too much time.

i usually don't, but sometimes i just want to be someone else.
i guess it's mostly a hypothetical thing, i'd never take up the offer.
but when things get rough, you wish you were just a little quicker, a little more motivated, a little less obvious, honest.


life is still good. i can't complain too much, but i do. :)
work is fine. school, i just started back, so we'll see.
friends? yup. however there are a few i'm losing. or just the essence.

i've mentioned before the theme of knowing people too much.

we want them to be a certain way. when they fail us, we lose interest.
we lose respect.

it's interesting how everything can be so great, until one day they do something that you thought was completely out of character. then you dont even want to see them.
i'm still trying to figure what i want and expect from people.
i already know that i'm willing to overlook lots of things in order to keep a human perspective over people in my life.
i am not perfect by anymeans, therefore, i shouldn't expect others to be.

but...

what do i expect from them?

idk.

sometimes it takes a long time. then you feel that its time to just let it go.
i guess i'm through.

i'm bored again.